 |
| |
| |
 |
| Saturday, November 28, 2009 |
|
Well. Td went fer guides meeting, supposedly is openhouse bt dun realli seem lik one coz lik nt alot ppl lehz. Bt anywaes so i woke up @7.30am this morning n gt home by 1pm. And overall td is nt tt bad coz the tcher nt arnd...
Man. Heard beile quitted her band. And my sch band wich is even worse coz its military, wonder if i shud realli chng my cca... But i cant realli stay can i? Crap man. I still dunno anything, shud i chng cca? Or shud i not? Out of time, end of holidays will be sooner than it appears to be. Dearest, im going insane in my head. I dun wanna think abt it. But i have to think abt it, i need to think abt it. But i cant think abt it bcoz i dunno wad to do. Im coming to no conclusion after rounds and rounds and im back to the same point again. How mani posts has it been? How mani months has it been? Yet im back, back right at the start.
Out of time, out of choices and out of guts. I wonder wth am i doing now n wth am i to do. Sorry dear for skipping guides w/o being sure of i have another path to walk, and therefore similar to suicidal i pushed myself into this dead end myself. I shudnt hv done tt i know, but its too late afterall. I dun get wad im toking i juz dunno anything anymore. Im still running away from reality. Im going nowhere at all, and i have nowhere to go. Damnit. Damnit all.
Leaving mi insane;
kwanhong--- |
|
| [Hong] ♥ 明知没有答案还是要问 | 9:07 AM |
|
| back to the same point once again |
| Sunday, November 22, 2009 |
|
Man. Seriously wth am i doing -_- Din touch ace-learning again td. And btw, juz nw my com acted weird. Kip hanging... Dunno if its internet prob or spoil. Com abuse eh, overuse of it lars. But still if spoil dad's gonna get angry >< But i admit lars, spoil alot times liao. Kkaes.
Oh yea i cre8ed a livejournal. Heh, cudnt sign up fer a period of time coz i din noe gt age limit. So yea, http://destinyuuki.livejournal.com---well one post onli bt its nt bad a site. And thr's tis tumblr acct i cre8ed quite some time back bt din use fer quite long too. So im using it again. Well sort of lars, http://fadedreams.tumblr.com---
Anywaes i still dunno wadda do. Heck running out of time man. Seriously all i've been doing is using com n play n watch n run away from reality. 23th day of doing absolutely nothing. Damn. And as said, ace-learning still hvnt do... Anyhow, shytty if i join band i nt sure if i'll be serious abt it lik the rest of em n if im nt im gonna suffer more n yea, suffer even more & the main v core prob is my academics lars. Bt its nt lik i can realli stay u noe... Missed trifoil ceremony, nv do testwk, skip haf a yr of meetings. Haiz i wondered y i so idiotically skipped whole haf yr when i din even confirm i gonna join band. Damnit i still dun get myself.
Apologies to people, apologies to myself;
kwanhong--- |
|
| [Hong] ♥ 明知没有答案还是要问 | 9:35 AM |
|
| Thursday, November 19, 2009 |
|
Crap man. Seriously?? 20 days hv passed by already!! Oh my god. Oh. My. God. I spent 20 full heck days using com, mangaing, photoshopping, surfing net, n blah, 20 days gdness... Nt gd... My ace-learning hvnt even started!! Gd damn mi, i shud chiong ace-learning tmr... T-T yea shud bt i wonder if i can last. Gt alot nehs, plus one topic is si bei long liao lor. Haiz. The hmt hmwk i oso hvnt do the compre wich is the longest & hardest. Bleh... I feel abit sad... 20days gone = holidays gonna be gone soon, n tt "soon" will be faster dan it seems. Haiz. And i wonder wad i gonna do abt my damned problem...
And goddamn, td dey gt guide meeting fer seniors graduating bt i nv go. Yea... ran away again. 28th gt meeting @9am i tink i gg fer tt one hars... Bt like omg onli 8 more days, so nervous sieh--or u can say scared >< Ltr coz scared den skip again, heck la mi.
Shyt lars i seriously running away from every single thing man. The cca crap oso hvnt even come to a firm decision, kip changing de mi!!!! ARGH. I feel lik bashing myself up. Damnit damnit damnit. Seriously. I wish i know wth am i doing sieh. And i wish i know wth i wan regarding tt heck matter. Im absolutely doing exactly n perfectly NOTHING over here fer the whole of the bloody 20 days.
Come on lars mi walao. Running out of time over here while im running away from reality over thr. Damnit... Its beyond complications already, hate it when ppl kip talking as if dey noe, as if its so simple. Its not so simple. If it were so simple y wud i even hv bothered toking abt it. Crap. Its lik im waiting fer an answer knowing thr is none.
Out of time, out of choices;
kwanhong--- |
|
| [Hong] ♥ 明知没有答案还是要问 | 6:43 AM |
|
| Sunday, November 15, 2009 |
|
Stayed home td. The usual u can say it. Well. Regarding fking cca issue, obviously thr's still no damned progress. Damn the crap wif it all. Wtf man. Anywaes, read the 现在 juz nw coz its sun nehs. Hm, thr is all tt abt my yet to touch hmwk & acelearning but mainly its still all abt the idiotic cca. Haiz. I noe the prob is still thr bt i hvnt tot abt it any bit td. Using com the whole time, escaping reality and lying to myself. I doubt i can find an answer even if i did think, there isnt time left for mi. I nid to decide. But which is right? Idk wad to do! Man, seriously wad do i wan to do. Said it before, juz a cca i wun regret. Is what i want realli too much to ask for?
Ytd arnd 2am cried over a certain part in a manga, bt i wonder... if its realli onli bcoz of the manga. I cried bcoz she knows exactly wad she wants, she cud be so sure of herself tt she even fought fer it even when ppl close to her are against it, she was so determined n convinced, so believed in herself tt she can do it. Sth i cud never ever have done. It might be tt i juz hv been wanting to cry all this pathetic time bt, juz too tired... Too tired fer it all. Sick of crying, tired of trying... There's no end to this isnt it?
----------------------------------------------------------------
“就算全世界背对着你，自己还能够对自己微笑。万里独行也就不孤独。”
“朋友如潮水，深深浅浅来来去去。”
"There's no other way when it comes to the truth, so keep holding on."
"Im alone at the crossroads, im not at home in my own home, i've tried and tried, to say what's on my mind, you should have known. Now im done believing you, i followed the voice you think you gave to me, now i have to find my own." |
|
| [Hong] ♥ 明知没有答案还是要问 | 4:18 AM |
|
| Saturday, November 14, 2009 |
|
Man, went out td... n i woke up at 8.40am >< Coz mi n feli meeting her frens n her frens r so damn earli. 11 at somerset itself lez, hai mi wake up so earli o;
Anywae, first went kbox at somerset. Hm, guess u can say e rm is bigger dan amk's bt the whole rm is sofa so nt realli alot spc lik amk. Din even realli sing a single song, was juz sitting thr being an xtra most of e time coz her frens so hyper abt their canto songs wich i dun understand a damn... -_-" $13 plus still~ Den walk down to orchard (quite a long way ;o) den walk arnd abit den yea, her frens left to go somewhr so mi n feli ate at burger king b4 gg to dhoby gauht. I ate onion rings... hm, juz normal ones lor.
Okok, den dhoby gauht walk e big shopping mall, capitalmall i tink. Spent lik 45mins in CC aka comic connections!!!! xD I can spend even much more time thr one lars honestly bt well other ppl nt as obsessed in mangas as mi lars. Den i bot a necklace, shud be from kuroshitsuji as seen from e packaging... $5.90~ AND!! Thr was tis poster abt a certain manga when i was looking at e mangas on the shelves... The manga in the poster seem so nice!!! Lik nice story, n the drawings v nice too! Bt cnnt find it in the shelves.... -_- Tried to see if i can read it online bt cnnt lez, mayb its juz too new a manga. Yea shud be so. Ah, bt it realli seem lik a nice manga o; 雪恋 tt is.  Kkaes. Anywae den ltr ride mrt bak tt time we went into diff trains so i decided to juz go straight hm by alighting at khatib since i oso nt eating dinner wif her. And man, wasnt it lik so damn crowded. Squeezed lik sardines, cheh. Den it started drizzling bt nv use my umbrella ahaz. Leg sorta hurt when i walking home lolz. End of day out. End of the escape from reality.
Hell yea man. My cca problem isnt getting any progress. Its stuck. Stuck in the middle of fking no whr while the time ticks on. Fk. Fk. Wtf lars. Wth am i supposed to do now. Stay in guides? Go band? Idk if i can even stay in guides, idk if i can stand being in guides--after i skipped haf yr, missed the gold-badge-on-scarf ceremony, nv do any freaking testwk, 看不爽 by sec1 peers & seniors & tchers, gt scolded by both cca tchers, gt zero cca pts fer the whole yr due to lack of attendence. Seriously, skipping is such an addicting ting to do. Shudnt hv done tt, i noe, crap bt its all too late to say tt nw. Wtf man. Bt anywaes. Idk if i can balance my academics if i go band, idk if i can handle the intense stress & pressure wich i nv cud in my whole entire freaking life if i go band, n idk if i can even go thr. Tell mi. How the hell is nt tis a never-ending maze at a never-starting location? I juz wan a cca i will nt regret going into. Wtf is all this.
Is what i wan too much to ask for? |
|
| [Hong] ♥ 明知没有答案还是要问 | 4:47 AM |
|
| Wednesday, November 4, 2009 |
|
I hv been tinking, been tinking alot td. Regarding my cca issue of coz. Wad is it tt i wan? When i woke up td. I looked out the window. Then it occurred to mi. It seems so. My situation, is lik im a caged bird. The door wun be open fer long, hu noes exactly when it will be shut tight n nv be ever opened again. Limited time, a rare limited chance. Bt wad izzit tt I myself wan? Yet i hesitated to get out, bcoz im nt like those other birds hu had been in the sky before, i nv was thr before. So do i realli wan the sky? Fer all i noe, i may had forgotten hw to fly. Fer all i noe, idk hw to fly. Fer all i noe, i nv belonged thr. Fer all i noe, the min i get out of tis cage i wud juz drop dead n die. Yea, i dun know if its onli the spur of the moment. It, isnt as easy out thr in the sky as it is in the cage. So wad do i wan? Do i realli wan the sky after all of tis entire life of mine in the cage? I wonder... I noe im nt a resilient person, a rather weak person, nt as strong as i tot im--i noe. But so in the end, wad do i wan? Im nt a bird duh, lik hw dey belong to the sky. So i belong to no-whr, den nw wad izzit tt i wan.
I enjoyed the slacking-aways in this comfort zone of mine, n i believe as long as i'd get gd grades i can survive. But tis zone isnt comfortable anymore wif seniors n tchers hating mi after my skippings n all. And i skipped, mainly bcoz i din enjoy it. So ending up im coming to tis. I dun even noe if i can stay, bt neither do i noe if i shud go. WAD AM I TO DO. Am i willing to get out of tis zone n risked the high chances of dropping dead n die in the instant i stepped out. Bt risking the high chances of dropping dead n die, is it realli tt i like it? Or is it juz bcoz i gt influenced by ppl, or is it tt its all juz an impulse of the moment...? Idk idk, i dun know anything anymore, i dun know wad do i even know anymore. I juz dun wan to regret anymore than i already did. I juz hv been tinking, juz been tinking alot....... what am i to do?????????????? |
|
| [Hong] ♥ 明知没有答案还是要问 | 10:01 PM |
|
| Tuesday, November 3, 2009 |
|
| Stayed home, woke up like 11.45am or sth, den used com til nw lik 12.34am. One day gone in front of da com yeah, nth unusual actualli... Staying home is an usual. Except im feeling rather giddy over here, guess used too much com. Bt harx. I still cnt tink up wad to do wif my cca problem. Its a gigantic problem bt here im hanging it in mid-air n running away by playing. Or more like, ok, manga-ing. Reading hana kimi nw, well the jdrama was nt bad (no comments on tw version) bt manga is juz the more original~ Okaes see, i go hanging my problem in the air again. Damnit juz wad m i to do? And besides, juz wad do i wan in the 1st plc eh. Argh seriously, sick and tired, totalli. Crap, wad to do?????? Running away again, die man. |
|
| [Hong] ♥ 明知没有答案还是要问 | 8:33 AM |
|
|
Went out wif felicia td to novena & bugis td. She actualli bot dictionaries, lik wow. Stay abit in e bkstore, mostly standing thr reading new moon hah. Den bugis i bot stuff at bugis street whr its cheaper... n u noe she kip saying it v warm. Lolz qian jing da xiao jie mahs, of coz nid aircon every min. Wich is y i guess she onli go to shopping centres to buy stuff, juz si bei rich ma. Ha. Okaes so i bot 2 shirt & 1 jacket... Spent lota time in da jacket shop choosing gray or dark gray. Picked the latter. Yeah well den walked abit more bak at e shopping centre (in wich bot some earrings & take some realli ex neoprints) den go bak yishun eat dinner @ 18th chef. Th ppl thr v gd lez, seriously o.o Coz we order black pepper fer our pasta den we eat til v spicy den e person help us take cold water. Kinda rare fer ppl to do tt these days. And the food oso rather nice O; Okaes so den i took felicia's dad car home (thk) in wich my bag unhooked from e strap somehw when i gt off, wich is lik dots.
Yah den, reach home my mum lik nt gd mood liddat lor. She say mi say 8 plus become 10 plus. Like ok, do i realli hv to be exact when i dun even noe when end. Den tell her i buy clothes she dun realli look happi, den i try on the shirts ok abit tight lik she said, yah so mayb i shudnt hv bot it........................................ Den juz just nw she come telling mi i shudnt hv bot e jacket coz it seems too small fer mi coz it seems even smaller dan my sis' one. Lik ALRITE i noe i v fat ok. SO SORRY FER BEING SO FAT. And if i seriously cnnt wear, fine so im nt gonna buy anymore things tis yr (n even nx yr if u wan), happi? So fine i dun tink i can wear e shirts lik u said so e onli conclusion is tt ur telling mi i shudnt hv bot anything td n tt might be true fer all i noe i muz admit tho. Bt wadeva man she's juz gonna say sth abt everything i do td, definitely in bad mood fer idk wth reasons. Ruin my entire mood fer e whole day damnit.
Besides tt i still cudnt decide on my cca issue... Crap lars. Bt as i said before, "1dayout doesnt erase the problems, 1dayout merely erase the reality fer a day". Yeah so the day is over fer mi, n nw all problems r bak. BIANG. Im seriously so sick n tired of all tis. Wad do u wan from mi? |
|
| [Hong] ♥ 明知没有答案还是要问 | 8:41 AM |
|
|
|
 |
|
